Gender Expansive Parenting
July, 2026
Written by: Allison VanderSchrag, LCSW (she/her)
In 2024, when my partner was pregnant with our child, we talked a LOT about our hopes, dreams and fears of parenting and more specifically, parenting in the U.S. My partner is non-binary and really felt strongly in raising our child in a gender-expansive (not assigning a gender) way. I was not so sure. I had sooooooo many questions and fears. With lots of reflection, I realized most of those fears were rooted in what I was expecting other people (extended family, community, friends) would think of us. Let’s be honest. I was worried they would judge us. I am forever grateful to Kyl Myers and their book Raising Them: Our Adventure in Gender Creative Parenting for a framework to consider gender expansive parenting within our society.
Through lots of conversations, my partner and I decided to use they / them pronouns for our baby (as of this writing, they are just over a year old). Since my partner transitioned, we became much more aware of how gender shapes our perceptions of people and did not want our Little One to be constricted to a set of predetermined attributes. When we told family, my mom was so excited she was able to make a quilt with both the truck fabrics AND the butterfly fabrics! We are thankful both sides of the family are making an effort to use they / them pronouns for our baby.
Now, after a year of gender expansive parenting, here are some lessons I’ve learned. Take what’s useful and leave the rest. You are the expert in your child and your family!
Be aware of your spoons on any given day. What works or feels right one day may not be the same another day. Some days, when a stranger off the street asks if your baby is a boy or a girl, you might have the energy to gently correct them. Some days you might just pick one and move on with your day. All responses are ok.
Remember the pronoun you choose is a placeholder, not a definite. Your child has the gift to choose a set of pronouns for themselves when they are ready! The pronoun you choose for them now is not their official pronoun. If someone uses the wrong pronoun, you can gently correct them and remind yourself that your child had a chance to be exposed to another set of pronouns for themselves.
You can change the pronouns in books! This exposes your child to all sorts of different pronouns. My favorite is to mix up pronouns for the “That’s Not My [animal]” in the Usborne Touchy-Feely books. It’s a great way to introduce neopronouns.
But what about Family?! This one is always the kicker, isn’t it. For me, it helped to contextualize this decision within broader parenting decisions. We’ve all seen the reels of a millennial parent teaching their boomer parent how to practice gentle parenting. While silly, there is wisdom there too. You are the parent. You get to set the boundaries. You get to decide. For us, having conversations with immediate family through video call (all live out of state) was helpful to build a foundation to talk about it. We also made a short, two page, document we shared at our baby shower explaining it so we did not have to keep repeating ourselves and had a common language from which to draw. We also referred our family and friends to that document when they had questions.
What about Daycare? I was surprised at how few daycares seem to have education and awareness of gender, at least where I am in the city. We have had intentional conversations with daycare providers about what we are doing and why. Our providers have been open to learning more. Our current provider is considering offering professional development for their staff. For our family, this feels ok.
Allie is an LCSW Staff Therapist at Little Seed Wellness. She specializes in perinatal mental health and supporting queer folx on their family expanding journey. She has immediate openings. You can read more about Allie here. Interested in working with Allie or in receiving services at Little Seed Wellness? Click here to fill out the intake form.